Relationships of today have a different quality and intensity than they did fifty years ago. We live in a world of instant gratification and it’s a struggle to stay committed when there is constant stimulus trying to lure us into bigger and better opportunities. We may enter into our relationships with good intentions but sometimes when things get tough, there are always greener pastures enticing us.
But here’s the thing. Relationships are intended to help us grow and can be our richest platform for stepping into the truth of who we really are. Unfortunately, when discomfort arises that’s often when people of today often jump ship. We have been conditioned to believe that if we are experiencing discomfort, something is wrong and we should fix it immediately or take a pill for that. But what makes us uncomfortable may have nothing to do with the relationship at all and everything to do with something within ourselves that needs healing. This healing may not happen over night and requires our patience and understanding. Or, the discomfort may be an indicator that we are experiencing growing pains.
We experience growing pains all the time. When we stress our muscles through exercise the discomfort we feel afterwards is growing pains. We also experience growing pains when our energy is expanding. This may be expressed as pressure around the heart space. We also experience growing pains when our consciousness is expanding. It may feel like something is wrong in the relationship and that we want to move away but, in most cases, it may actually be that we are being stretched both emotionally and mentally. The discomfort can be the trigger but it does not mean that the person doing the triggering is to blame.
Many intimate relationships start off on a high then slowly power struggles begin to emerge, tainting the true connection. Power struggles are born out of fear and can only be healed through love. They can range from an extreme example of abuse or in much subtler forms where one or both parties need to control the outcome just to stay “safe.” Abuse is a game changer and is always a good reason to walk away. But other types of power struggles can be an invitation to grow and find our true inner strength and the relationship is just stretching us.
Most relationships today are unconscious. An example of an unconscious relationship is when one person in the relationship is more invested than the other. The person who is more invested, gives of themselves too much and the one who is less invested plays it cool and less interested. When we are the one who is more energetically invested our heart chakra will spin too fast and, as a result, our energy will drain out. What is left is the inability to nourish oneself. The one who is less invested, often closes down their heart chakra because they feel uncomfortable with all that energy coming towards them. Someone who does not believe they deserve love may run from the intense love energy coming towards them. These push-pull dynamics can be caused by trust issues and un-forgiveness from the past. For instance, I may want to pull you in but I feel fear so I want to push you away. The push-pull becomes a dance but eventually prevents a relationship from moving forward.
Another example of an unconscious relationship is one that is built on fear. Fear often arises when we are in the presence of a powerful mirror and we have no awareness of that fact. A powerful mirror is someone who is reflecting back to us a part of ourselves that we either need to heal or accept. An unconscious person will be triggered by that mirror but blame the other person instead of owning the reflection and, if we don’t like what we see in the mirror, we may reject it. Unless we address the underlying fears in the relationship they will eventually erode the relationship.
As we move out of the power center and into the heart chakra our relationships change. We move away from power struggles and become more conscious of the incredible teachers who are standing before us. As a challenge presents itself in a relationship, it becomes an amazing opportunity to transform limiting patterns from the past. We stop projecting that it’s the relationship that always needs to be healed and instead take personal responsibility for our own contribution to the struggle. This is why often, when we end one relationship, we attract another one just like it to take its place. We will do this over and over again until we learn the lesson. But, if we can become conscious enough to know the difference, we can embrace our current relationships as a gift to help us heal our past and move into greater freedom. The relationship mirror will still reflect where we do not love or nourish ourselves but now, instead of it being a threat, we see it’s an honor when we are in the presence of someone who holds this space for us. The result still may not be comfortable, but it is a gift.
Relationships of today are complex and each has to be evaluated on an individual basis. Some relationships are too challenging and are best to walk away from. But many are let go of too soon, just to be replaced by another. If you are feeling uncomfortable in a relationship, ask yourself these questions before calling it quits: Have you given your power away to your fears? Do you find yourself defending your position or debating who’s right or who’s wrong? Are you looking for proof that the relationship will not work, only to be guaranteed of that very outcome? Are you living in the past, having difficulty with letting go or harboring any unforgiveness? Can you be guaranteed that the issues that are showing up in this relationship will not be present again with another? If you have answered yes to any of these questions, then maybe take a step back before you walk away. You were brought together for a reason and has that reason been fully fulfilled?
Here is a simple fact: The ones who win in a relationship are the ones who let love in. Love is vulnerability with an open heart. Love is not interested in the past or the future, only sharing the present moment. Relationships in general are meant to be life affirming. They are intended to help us love big, to grow, to stretch us and to share our true-life passions together. They can be fragile and need to be respected and nourished with love and appreciation. We want our relationships to be life affirming but that also includes honoring our growth. Growth on any level can be uncomfortable but it has always proven to be worthy.
To improve the quality of relationships, try practicing, more appreciation, avoid complaining, quit playing the blame game and become more emotionally available with your feelings.
Affirmation: I attract only gentle and loving life lessons in my relationships.
~ Exerpt from “You Can Heal Your Chakras” by Angela Strank